No redemption

Well, that was a bust.

At the Mark Twain 100, which was supposed to salvage at least a little redemption from this weekend, I got caught up in trying to win the damn thing rather than simply finish it. Problem is, I'm just not that good any more. As a result, I flamed out and didn't accomplish either. (It was fun to run in the lead in the second half of a 100, though, first time I've done that.)

The actual cause of the collapse is easy enough to identify. After a well-paced first lap (of four), I failed to appreciate how much the midday heat was a problem on the second and didn't make the needed adjustment. I knew I was going deep, but thought that it would be fine for just a few hours and the cooler temps of the night would save me. Well, I folded before that happened.

Far more distressing was the speed of the collapse. I noticed that heat was an issue early in lap 2, but didn't really make much in the way of adjustment. I was still running OK and when some clouds moved in, I covered miles 40-50 well enough move myself essentially into a tie for the lead (the top four were all in the aid station together between laps 2 & 3). I was second back on the trail and, while I was backing off from the first two laps, still felt like I was running well. When I actually caught the leader at mile 55, my body shut down almost immediately.

What this tells me is that my brain hasn't quite caught up to the fact that I'm not a 100-mile per week runner anymore and don't have the reserves to survive mid-race surges. My body was going way further into a hole than my brain realized and, as soon as I caught the lead and stopped pressing, my body took over and turned everything off as quickly as possible.

The next few miles were pretty miserable and I finally packed it in.

I don't regret trying to win the race. That's what you do in races. I'm not particularly bothered by coming up short. Even World Champions lose. I am very bothered by the fact that what I think I can do and what I'm actually capable of are so out of sync. That's going to result in a lot of very unsatisfying races.

Unless, of course, I come to my senses and stop racing. That really is the answer. This whole take care of your family while working a stressful job and getting a PhD is not the ideal setting for competitive running. Running is my daily meditation and I don't think ditching it altogether would be a very good idea. However, there's no reason to be stressing of results. The activity will have to be good enough on it's own for at least the duration of my studies.