On the edge

I don't know if everybody responds to their threshold like this or if it's just me. Fortunately, I don't need to know. As long as I can read the signs that pertain to me, I don't really need to worry about the signs that pertain to anybody else.

Anyway, my response to approaching my limit is never one of despair. It is never one of agony (going way beyond the limit and breaking something may be agony, but that's never the warning). It is never one of fatigue or frustration.

It is apathy. If I stop caring, it means I'm pushing too hard.

In the Middletown Firecracker Criterium in 1984 it was well over 100 degrees (the race was, as always, on July 4). I rode in the pack for a few laps and then was suddenly struck by the fact that I really didn't care how well I did in the race. I slid off the back. 30 seconds later, I passed out. Bystanders report that it was rather odd to watch; I just sort of fell asleep on the bike and hit the pavement. Of course, since the pavement (fresh blacktop) was scorching hot, I immediately came to my senses. Those who came over to help tried to get me to calm down, thinking I was in shock. I finally managed to put together the words, "I'm not in shock, I'm getting burned by the road!" At which point they helped me off the street.

At my first go at grad school, I lost interest halfway through my second year. I was doing OK, but I just didn't care anymore. In retrospect, simply taking a light load in the spring of that year probably would have been enough to salvage the effort. Of course, I would have missed the whole adventure of trying to become a pro bike racer, and that would have been tragic, but at the time it was just a decision made from apathy.

At the Mark Twain 100 last fall, I was running well - winning the race, in fact. But I was then overcome with the reality that I just didn't really care that much. The heat and deceptively brutal terrain had got the better of me. I was done and quit while still very much in the hunt.

All this is to say that the fact that I'm feeling apathetic towards studies today is setting off some real alarm bells. Between work and school, I've been at about 70 hours a week for several months now. It's been hard, but I've been up to it. In the last week, I've stopped caring. That means it's time to get off the gas.

That's not easy. We're at a very critical junction at work. I'm behind on my term project. Still, it's a a reality that needs to be acknowledged: if I keep pushing, I'll quit in response. So, I'm taking today off, even though I took yesterday off as well. Tomorrow, I have an exam and don't plan on doing anything other than that and a normal 8-hour day at work. That's a pretty short respite, but sometimes that's all it takes.